Film Reviews

Here we might have a slowly growing collection of film reviews by me, Ron Spain. It might continue to grow, creeping forth and gradually taking over the whole universe, for I have in fact seen countless movies in my life so far, but I sadly can't say I've ever seen a great one. If I ever do, I'll let you know right here on this very page, so check back hourly. Until then, Hollywood sucks, and the indepedent filmmakers who try to emulate the cesspool suck even harder. I'm telling you they suck Donkey Kong's dong. Ratings are calculated using a secret formula and are subject to change slightly. Maybe you shouldn't bother reading if you think you're going to be offended by something.

Lawn Dogs (1997)

A 10-year-old little girl befriends a young man who mows lawns. Some disapprove of their friendship.

Rating: 4.4 / 10

Cube (1997)

The concept is interesting: you find yourself in a room with no knowledge of how you got there, and the other rooms around you contain deadly traps that you must figure out how to avoid. Nicole de Boer, who can be seen in a few episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine a year or two later sporting short hair and alien makeup, looks good but the young woman sadly doesn't show much skin. One or two of the characters get annoying after a while, but this is one of my favorite movies.

Rating: 4.4 / 10

Slacker (1990)

I'm talking about the Richard Linklater movie. At $23K, the budget of the movie was not the highest, but it has many interesting characters and views. Richard Linklater appears in his own film here as the first interesting character. The drummer of the Butthole Surfers is in the movie, as is philosophy professor Louis Mackey whom Linklater seemed to like. See if you can spot the Ron Paul sign.

Rating: 4.3 / 10

SubUrbia (1996)

Ignore the other unrelated Suburbia movie from 1983. This is another memorable one by Richard Linklater, more movie-like and refined than Slacker (listed above) and based on a play by Eric Bogosian. You stupid kids, you throw it all away.

Rating: 4.0 / 10

Chopping Mall / Killbots (1986)

This is one of the best movies ever because it has killer robots, boobs, guns, fire, and it's set in a shopping mall, giving you a look at the heart of life in the 1980s for retro fans. The best line is probably, "Let's go send those f***ers a Rambo-gram."

Rating: 4.5 / 10

Hardware (1990)

If you have a thing for spooky malevolent robots, here's another one for you. I was never a big Iggy Pop fan, but he does a good job as the radio DJ in this film. A robot head is found in the desert of a post-apocalyptic future. Watch for the Mandelbrot set fractal. Listen for the song that says, "We all walk the weebly-wobbly walk, and we all talk the weebly-wobbly talk." It was filmed in London and Morocco.

Rating: 2.7 / 10

Box of Moonlight (1996)

A stressed family man having a midlife crisis and an eccentric young man become friends. The younger guy's home is interesting. I try to ignore the man-ass scene because it's otherwise a decent movie.

Rating: 3.1 / 10

Mr. Destiny (1990)

I don't know why this movie would have bad reviews. Imagine if you could go back and change something in your past.

Rating: 3.1 / 10

Dark City (1996)

Ignore the man-ass again if you watch this weird movie. At midnight, unusual things happens in this city without a Sun.

Rating: 3.0 / 10

Midnight Special (2016)

To avoid spoilers, I'll just say it's basically about a boy with special powers. It was difficult to follow in places, and I feel like I still don't fully understand the movie after watching it.

The boy's hair looked like it had been dyed, which distracted me throughout the film. I hate when they dye a kid's hair for a movie. There is sadly no good nudity or underwear or anything, but it's not a bad film.

Rating: 3.8 / 10

Short Cuts (1993)

It's a long movie, over three hours, made of interwoven stories. It's a weird and unexciting movie, but it's oddly interesting. You get to see Lyle Lovett as a baker, and there are many other big names, including Tom Waits, Huey Lewis, and Alex Trebek.

Rating: 3.8 / 10

The Road (2009)

A SHTF movie about a man and a boy that sounded like it had potential, but I walked out on this crap when they showed the man's naked ass. No thanks, Hollywood. If I had a dollar for every Hollywood man's ass I've seen.... They won't show the boy's ass.

Rating: 0.7 / 10

Citizen Ruth (1996)

In this film, a troubled young woman gets pregnant and is pressured by both sides in the abortion debate. You also get to see Burt Reynolds getting a massage from a boy of about 14.

Rating: 3.5 / 10

Private Lessons (1981)

A 15-year-old boy is infatuated with and seduced by a French maid.

Rating: 4.0 / 10

The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T. (1953)

It starts out as an interesting movie about a boy, but it spirals out of control and turns into a bunch of gay guys dancing all over the place. It's like the movie got hijacked by Gay Fest '53. The little boy looks a bit like me as a kid but maybe cuter, and the actor portraying him later became a computer programmer, coincidentally.

Rating: 1.0 / 10

Last Action Hero (1993)

A boy about thirteen years old gets a magic movie ticket that takes him into the movie. How cool is that?

Rating: 4.5 / 10

Lawnmower Man (1992)

A mentally challenged man transforms into an evil genius. The movie seemed better when it was new.

Rating: 1.6 / 10

Cosmic Africa

Some black guy goes around Africa talking about astronomy and traditional beliefs about stars. I saw it many years ago and would watch this again if I could find it.

Rating: ? / 10

Pay It Forward (2000)

It takes them the whole movie to promote some "pay it forward" ideology, and what good did it do? It doesn't have a happy ending. And why does some guy get beat up off camera for touching the boy's face and offering to give him a ride? Maybe the hate is what we need to pay forward until it is banned. But parts of the tape got worn out, and Spacey appears to have erected a crotch-tent at one point, which is understandable.

Rating: 4.1 / 10

K-PAX (2001)

Kevin Spacey as a guy who is either crazy or an alien.

Rating: 2.3 / 10

What Dreams May Come (1998)

Robin Williams did a good job in a serious role in this film about the afterlife, or at least how it is envisioned by the writers. It was based on a 1978 novel by Richard Matheson.

Rating: 3.1? / 10

CrissCross (1992)

A 12-year-old blond boy in shorts with a scruffy voice rides around on his bike, watches the moon landing, gets naked, and gets into a bit of trouble. We see Hollywood men's asses in every other movie, but we get to see a boy's buttocks for once in this one, though I felt the scene didn't live up to its full potential. It's a decent movie.

Rating: 4.4 / 10

Maya (1966)

Speaking of boy butts, in Maya, you get to see Jay North's bare backside briefly, and it's rather round and white. Jay played Dennis the Menace on TV. He was 14 or 15 in Maya, but his body looked a year or two younger to me. In the film, he and another teenage boy are in the jungle in India. I should watch the whole thing so I can add a rating.

Rating: ? / 10

Lord of the Flies (1963)

A bunch of British boys are stranded on an island, and chaos ensues. The movie has boy frontal and boy backal nudity, but it's filmed in black-and-white and slightly grainy, so it's not so great in that regard, but it's rare that you get to see that much boy in a film. One boy gets whipped with a switch. Maybe if the boys had sex with each other instead of fighting, things would have gone better.

Rating: 5.5 / 10

Flirting with Disaster (1996)

In this somewhat comedic film with Ben Stiller, you get to see a baby's circumcised penis closeup in case you ever wondered what one looks like, though some copies have it blurred.

Rating: 4.1 / 10

The Spiderwick Chronicles

I don't enjoy watching movies that are verbally abusive and disparaging toward boys, so I walked out on this one after 15 or 20 minutes of boredom. If you think that's an appropriate way for a movie studio to show children being spoken to, you should stay away from children and stay away from me. In addition to disparaging boy characters, it had the common unpleasant film ingredients of repeated hollering and a dysfunctional family. Someone should speak disparagingly about Nickelodeon for this film.

Rating: 0.8 / 10

A Rumour of Angels (2000)

Talk about child abuse, the boy in this movie is treated like crap. I haven't seen it in many years, and that's all I remember except that it does have some positive qualities eventually.

Rating: ? / 10

S.F.W. (1994)

Try to ignore the man-ass scene to appreciate this movie about a "so f***ing what" philosophy developed by ass-man who was in a prolonged hostage situation that was televised. I don't know why SWAT teams didn't rush in like they usually do. Maybe the film addressed that and I've forgotten. This movie seemed better 20 years ago.

Rating: 1.6 / 10

Buffalo '66 (1998)

A guy kidnaps a young woman to pretend to be his wife when visiting his parents, and she doesn't mind. Vincent Gallo wrote, directed and starred in this indy classic. Other familiar faces include Christina Ricci and Rosanna Arquette.

Rating: 2.2? / 10

Daddy's Girl (1994)

This little red-haired girl is only slightly evil. That's all I'm going to say. What is she, about 10 or something?

Rating: 4.1 / 10

A Cry in the Wild (1990)

That's the name of the film, but I can't remember that, so I call it "Hatchet" because that's the name of the book. It's about a 13-year-old boy who gets stranded in Alaska and must survive all by him-damn-self.

Rating: 3.0 / 10

Creepshow (198?)

I like horror anthologies like this one from my early childhood years. However, having not seen it lately, I can't fairly rate it.

Rating: ? / 10

Phantasm (1979)

A movie with flying metal balls that kill people and an evil tall man.

Rating: ? / 10

The Cell (2000)

In this movie, J-Lo goes into the mind of a psycho. This movie has surreal imagery and strange scenes that make it worth watching.

Rating: ? / 10

Nightbreed (1990)

This movie has many strange characters, including a horned red guy who look devilish, a guy who looks a bit like Jay Leno with a crescent moon-shaped head, a porcupine woman, and more. There are some surreal aspects, and you get to see a guy rip his own face off, so it's pretty good.

Rating: ? / 10

Small Time / Waiting for the Man (1996)

This is the movie about three guys who try to earn some money in a drug deal. Sure, they are all different races, but that doesn't matter - what are you, racist? You get to see Tommy Chong's grown daughter and other women half-naked. This is one of my favorite films.

Rating: 3.7 / 10

The Corsican Brothers

It's Cheech and Chong's non-reefer movie. It's about two brothers who feel each other's pain. This is a good family movie for perverted families, because it gives you a chance to explain things like accidental horse-fisting, crossdressing, and BDSM to your kids. You will be seeing "Father" from "Beauty and the Beast" crossdressing, and good luck ever getting that out of your head. But it's a funny film.

Rating: 2.5 / 10

Killer Flick (1998)

Some aspiring filmmakers wreak havoc in their journey to Hollywood. After all, they need lots of violence like the succesful Hollywood producers. There are some large boobs.

Rating: ? / 10

Neverending Story 2: The Next Chapter (1990)

In this sequel to The Neverending Story, a boy needs to find the courage to jump from a crazy-high diving board. As with many sequels, it feels a bit rehashed and lacking some of the magic of the original. But good performances and some surreal visuals help. Sadly, the actor Jonathan Brandis, who was such a cute boy, killed himself a few years later as a young man. We get to see Falcor and Rockbiter again, but Atreyu, Bastian, and others are of course played by different actors because this was filmed years after the first. The funniest line is, "Must be the smoke in here - kinda hard to remember things."

Rating: 4.8 / 10

Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

It's like if Cheech and Chong were on LSD and everything else instead of just reefer.

Rating: 3.0 / 10

The Lost Highway (1997)

I need to watch this again. It's a David Lynch movie.

Rating: ? / 10

Rabbits (2002)

A spooky David Lynch work. It's not long, and the way it mocks sitcoms make it a must see. Try to figure it out.

Rating: 2.5 / 10

1408 (2007)

Good scary movie.

Rating: 2.6 / 10

Brainscan (1994)

If you want to see what Edward Furlong looked like after Terminator 2.

Rating: 1.5 / 10

Abducted (1986)

Directed by Boon Collins. An attractive young woman goes jogging and gets abducted by a crazy mountain man. This is an interesting film worth seeing.

Rating: 2.7 / 10

They Live (1988)

Starring Roddy Piper, a guy finds some sunglasses that allow him to see aliens. I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of gum.

Rating: 3.2 / 10

Why Movies Suck

Stereotypes

Hollywood continually reinforces stereotypes. For example, if there is a computer programmer in a movie, he has to wear glasses and a pocket protector and act nerdy, because that's what they think you would expect one to be like, and they want to be plausible and believable to sell their stupid made-up story and make a profit, so they usually try to affirm all of your pre-existing stereotypes, including harmful stereotypes. You have to "look the part" because Hollywood is all about judging a book by its cover. Supporting Hollywood means supporting harmful stereotypes that make cultural progress more difficult. Yet they are a bunch of perverts.

Monotony

Movies just rehash the same old stereotypess, tropes, stories, cliches, etc. The hero defeats the enemy and saves the girl. We've all seen the plot again and again with different themes and different names. Yet when does Hollywood ever depict a typical non-gay sexual minority? Instead, Hollywood feeds bigotry and hate by demonizing the oppressed. Instead of being a tool for progress or justice, Hollywood is a tool for stagnation and bigotry. Instead of promoting something good, Hollywood is promoting evil for profit. Hollywood is scum.

Loud sounds

Modern movies aim to terrorize you with loud sound effects instead of trying to tell a story or make you think. Am I supposed to enjoy ninety minutes of random sound effects blasting me every few seconds while I'm trying to follow a story? Why do people pay for this? I'd need to take some serious drugs to watch that shit.

Hollering

Every other movie I watch has someone screaming for help repeatedly, so my neighbors probably think I've kidnapped people and am holding them prisoner in my home.

Explosions

Cars frequently explode upon impact as though they're made of explosive materials. I thought cars were mostly metal, but maybe they're made of dynamite.

Violence

Every movie needs some depictions of terrible violence, and it's okay for Hollywood to sell that, but it's illegal for you to look at pictures of consensual sex.

Indecipherable Dialogue

It's just sad when many actors these days are unable to speak clearly enough that the viewers can figure out what the hell they're saying after rewinding five times. If you have closed captioning, you'll need it as much as the hearing impaired for some movies. What kind of horse tranquilizer are they on that has their mouths almost paralyzed like that? Why do people who can't speak clearly choose to become actors? Why do some producers allow actors to get away with indecipherably mumbling their lines? Why even have lines if no one can understand half of them?

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©2019 Ron Spain

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